My husband is my everything. And as I get older, this becomes increasingly more and more a true statement. He is my foundation. He is, to me, like the dirt is to a plant. When I wilt, he holds me up. He feeds me, he supports me, he admires my beauty. He is my home.
Foundations are built to be strong and withstand time and catastrophic tragedies. All kinds of weather.
The foundations that my life is laid upon is made up of love, faith, and a constant search for hope amongst the trials. In a quick comparison of others I know, I would say I have had a fair share of crap happen in my life. Maybe considerably more to someone, but maybe considerably less to others. My crap is all my crap, and it is part of the foundation and base of my life. I came into the world, I grew, I was taught, I experienced things, and it all made me who I am today.
I learned how to grieve throughout my life.
I have lost Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts, friends, and also pets. I have lost the opportunity for a father. I lost my innocence, my nerve, my patience, and even lost my mind a few times. I grieved as a child for a happy family, I grieve as a middle-aged woman for the loss of one of our children.
Lost money, coats, and even a pair of shoes. Lost opportunities, lost friends, lost jobs. Grief for people, grief for things, and grief for myself.
I believe everyone grieves. At different levels, about different things, and with different intensities. As children we grieve lost toys, lost pets, missed parties, and unfortunately missing people in our families. But as we grow, we grieve not only deaths of friends and loved ones, but we grieve for our own lost selves at different points of our lives.
Grief turns to despair and depression and back again to grief, the whole while taking you through a lesson of loss and forgiveness. Not all loss is completely devastating. While building our foundation and watching it shift over the years, loss is inevitable. We all go through it.
So what is my point?
I was driving to Greeley, writing this post in my head. I had a sort of 8:00 a.m. epiphany. I was driving on 34, an open space, a peaceful guitar solo was playing on my radio, the sky was beautiful and right above the road ahead of me was an eagle soaring back and forth. It was amazing and I felt a true sense of peace right then. Like things were going to be ok.
One door shuts, another one opens. I cannot say that losing someone is a shut door…but it does bring new experiences and new opportunity to live in a different way.
My foundation is layers of ribbon, purples and golds. Browns, greens, and sparkles of silver. I have memories inside my heart and laid on my mind, they pull the strings of my thoughts and words. The colors make up a rainbow, washing over my pain when it is the deepest and darkest, and the beauty I see from inside my mind, looking out towards you… leaves me gasping for breath.
My life cannot exist without people in it. The loss I am grieving is crippling. My crutches are my relationships. In the past year I have mended a few broken crutches and swallowed my pride to convey that I fucked up. Things happen, unplanned and surreal. Sometimes observations become “lists of lists” and others become, “titles I will never write”. I was born with blank pages to fill and freedoms to seduce. I am diverse, cultured, urban and rural, logical and spontaneous. I hide inside my soul for a brief time only to be thrown back to connect again. So, while I transform myself and my world around me, I respond to ancient old interruptions. The people who have terminal illnesses of rudeness and gossiping and hate. We are in different cities, different worlds; my God, we stand on different planets. The feelings they leave are toxic waste, the kind of waste that no one knows what to do with. Men put on suits and masks, trying to sweep up and clean the effects…. But the damage is too deep, too profound.
You are reading this, and you made it past all the parts that I thought I would lose you…. Look in the mirror today, you are a person…someone, in somebody’s life. Are you toxic sludge that defines the very misery and grief of something gone very wrong? Could I do a quick character sketch of your life, a hero to those in your circle? Are you on my list of places to go or things lost?
I have a strong addiction to social change and family structure. History, generations, urban legends, and even pop culture fascinate me. True feelings pour out of me. A constant. The ribbons….satin and black, extend, beyond me. Can you reach them or even see them?
Rewrite your regrets. Interrogate your heart, find your beauty. Do not commit the crime of not feeling and not living with people around you. Fix your foundation. Scoop them up and love them. You have one chance and this is your first warning.