It is a word that means more today than it did yesterday. Love can be a noun, verb, adjective, a phrase, or an idiom. I can hold power or lie meaninglessly. Presently love is different than love as a child or a young adult. It can be destructive, positive, fake, and overwhelming. Love is hard to understand, especially when it is unwanted, unwelcome, or feels downright disgusting. I speak of this word today not in a romantic way — although that opens a whole other arena of subjective definition – today this word is spoken of as family, friend, neighbor, acquaintance, pen pal, fellow members, companions, associates. It is when liking someone turns to loving them for who they are. I consider this the purest of love, the most innocent and true.
I spent the holiday with my family. My husband, kids, my mom, my brother and his family. These are the people that are home base for me and provide the purest of love. Constant and consistent.
We had a great day.
That day is over and we move into the next days, and those are the people that I talk to on a daily basis. Like I said, constant and consistent.
My attachment to other people in my life IS simple and based on consistency.
I love with my whole heart.
Our son was similar. He loved with his whole heart and knew who was constant and consistent in his life. There are so many memories of Fred saying loving things, being a good friend, doing the right thing. He was an absolute joy to be around, to raise, to sit and talk with, to experience anything with. I loved to watch him interact with other people. Truly a genuine person with love in his heart.
It was hard to watch people enter the church at his service that didn’t have time for him while he was alive. It was difficult to not ask why they were there.
Love moved backwards that day.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to wake from the horrible nightmare.
And when I stood up and turned around to walk out of the church, I was proud of my son, how many people he touched. I walked down the aisle and saw a room of his friends, and faces of people that I knew loved him.
It is natural to think of our death’s while grieving and I have thought of mine. Not wanting a service, and only wanting the constants present in my death. It is pretty natural to not want people present, the one’s that never have time for you in life.
But funerals are not for us when we die. People say that they go to pay their respects but when someone dies, we go to the funeral for a variety of reasons. When a tyrant dies, some go that loved him to show love and sadness that he will be gone. Some go that admired him. So go that feared him and others go that hated him. When a good person dies the same list applies. Sometimes when a person dies, hate can turn to love and love can turn to anger.
Suicide makes love even more complex.
It brings to light history and experience while moving forward to an unknown definition.
We are scared to love now, with that whole heart.
Our attachment to the constants become tighter and the barrier from those that hurt us becomes thicker and stronger.
Love has a new place in our life. Those that abuse our love become harder to deal with and those that accept our love become more than our whole entire worlds.
Some of us have a lot to give and others cannot find the reserves.
My support system is small but consistent.
They truly understand the meaning of love, friend, family.
There are reasons people do not have time for us while we are living. Something stops them. Distaste, disgust, hatred, whatever it is. Believe me, I don’t have time for people that make me feel that way either and it goes on and on from person to person. It never ends, never dies.
So, while we get ready to enter a new year – and people are usually full of resolutions – I will stick with love and what not to do instead of making a list of things TO DO.
Making it simpler to approach.
Easier to tackle and have successes.
Surrounded by love, in it’s simplest and purest state.
~Leslie Beery, The Surviving Project