In my efforts to take a break from suicide, like a vacation of the mind, I have come up short. It permeates everything in my life, including me. It changes every aspect of the senses and future outlook of all 5: taste, smell, touching, hearing, seeing.
So, I sat down with “suicide” last week and we had a talk. I told “suicide” that it cannot control me. I have boundaries and it may not cross them. I told her to back the F*** off.
I explained to “suicide” sitting across from me, sitting and listening ever so intently….
I explained that I will no longer allow the destruction of: my self-esteem, my ability to function as a mother, my beauty as a wife.
“Suicide” will not come uninvited into my thoughts and cause me to lose precious moments due to the chasing of an answer, the searching for the right questions, the painting and re-painting of a picture that is never quite right.
I listened, and “suicide” told me:
I enter your mind to remind you.
Not to remind you of the act of suicide, of the pain that your son your felt.
I enter and swim inside you to remind you that you are able to achieve a level of transcendence that is not available to those who have not endured trauma. You have had to dig deep to know yourself, in the face of pain and shame and guilt. I remind you that you have courage, the courage to allow yourself to feel the despair and in the end, rise above it. I am in your mind to remind you that you are a person of “who you were” and now a person of “who you are”.
Further, I (“suicide”) cannot remove your pain and I cannot leave your mind, ever. But, I can provide you a self-validation and an honesty on your journey.
I stick around to help you tell your story.
Embrace me, use me.
I am going to stop trying to always take a break from suicide. Sometimes I have a vision in my head of ME, standing in my kitchen, head tilted and banging my palm against my other ear…trying to get the thoughts of my son’s suicide out of my head.
I am at peace, that I need it there.
In a special place in my mind, to help define who I am…not as a definition of my life. I am surviving, a survivor on a road to the unknown. Our journey doesn’t include a miraculous day when we are recovered or healed…..
Our journey is our life, with all trauma in tow with us, helping us be better people and reminding us where we came from and how utterly freaking amazing we are.
~Leslie Beery, The Surviving Project