Life will find a way.
I am sitting in a strange place with all too familiar feelings. The pictures on the walls hold no memory for me, no place to lose myself in thought. There are no tracks, worn in my head, where I have walked these bare wooden floors. There is nothing, it is cold. But I am here for a reason, and fuck you to the people who call my life a series of seasons. It is not a whim, and it is not a random series of tragic events. I sit here, facing the worst possible fear. I have lost so much and I cannot bear to lose anymore.
I am in a race to stop time. Picking up all the broken chards of glass at my feet, wanting the tape to roll backwards and put everything back together, the way I liked it, they way it is supposed to be. My heart jumps inside my chest, a cut on my finger appears from the sharpness of today, and then reality of all the pain around me sets in. It settles slowly, back and forth like a feather and taking over, leaving me scared for tomorrow.
I am one tiny spot on the earth, Mother Sister Daughter Wife. The titles that describe me are the labels that keep me alive. My small and yet enormous responsibility. To more than me, to more than them.
I was successful today, in surviving. Successful in being true to my responsibility.
Looking outside of myself for hope and confidence is how it has to work some days. When I cannot find the reasons, the strength, or the hope to move forward.
Little faces, smiles and love, pain and owies that need my love, meals that need to be cooked, pants that need to be hemmed. Work that needs my skill, the person that needs my time, my attention. A garden that needs my touch.
It may be wrong, for me to live my life for those around me, who I love and who love me, and even those that want to know me or love me. But, it’s what I have to do to meet my responsibility, my reason, and put hope back inside my heart when the tank is empty. It is what I do at the critical moment when only dust and emptiness fill the void inside me.
So, I am going to sit here. Re-filled with purpose. And I am going to get to know these unfamiliar pictures on the wall and I am going to walk the floor and make a memory.
A good memory.
Of my survival and yours.
~Leslie Beery, The Surviving Project