A lot of us will never know why. The expectation that we will find an explanation has passed for some of us, but for others it is on the surface, and raw.
There might come a day for you, like it did for me, when the clear realization forces the admittance that there will never be a satisfactory explanation of the events that have occurred. It will become clear that nothing can be changed, reversal of events cannot happen.
Survivors of Suicide have a two-fold process to go through. First we must work through the suicide, then we still have to grieve.
I loved my son in his life and love him still. I feel that I mourned intensely, for a long time, and had an incredible need to find out why, how, and what were my son’s last moments and thoughts. Clearly as I look at the painful steps that I took through the first days and months after we lost our son, I can see how important it was for me to process and take each of those steps. In those times it was difficult to trust or be sensitive to others. It was hard not be angry, jealous, and feel awkward around friends and some family.
In my personal experience the two-fold process ran parallel, simultaneously, and often conflicting. The sensible side of me had to quarantine the crazy side. I had to take myself out of the mix of life in most situations, without warning or explanation, to somewhat “protect” my emotions and to force some balanced healing to occur. I found it difficult to be around other Mom’s, with sons (and even with daughters at times), going through typical day to day things or milestones. It was completely unbearable. I found it difficult to be around families. It was difficult and impossible to chit chat, listen, and be involved as a person should be about everyday things. Why?
When we lose a person to suicide we are grieving in a different way. We are trying to understand why it happened; we are suddenly insecure and in an awkward position; we are trying to grieve but having a hard time accepting the reality of what is going on. We want to accept help and support, but it is difficult in some situations. Our insecurity of the suicide, the grief, the process, and what is supposed to happen next have some stuck in a bad spot. Others are able to quickly pass through the stages and start rebuilding quickly. I experienced a brain fog that hung around for several years. Probably medically unexplained, but mentally very tough to make full and proper sense of everything happening around me. Looking back, that is exactly why we were told not to make large decisions about anything and to have someone outside of the immediate family to consistently run things by.
Things do not always happen for a reason.
It is what we do, and how we pick up after that makes us, or breaks us.
I can look for rainbows today where previously I thought I would never see light. Finding that one new thing each day to be grateful for. Finding that one new thing each day to change or work on. Not allowing anything to hold me back. Not allowing myself to be unhappy. Not allowing myself to be vulnerable or taken for granted/taken advantage of.
It has been five years since I lost my son. The distance in time is huge to me and looking at where I was in those moments, it is now bearable to think of and remember.